Love is the aphrodisiac

The biggest and most popular myth that has survived down the ages is about "aphrodisiacs". Centuries ago, people believed that aphrodisiacs had magical powers to open up the gates of divine sexual pleasures and fantasies. That belief exists even today. Almost in every corner of the world people still use aphrodisiacs to rev up their sex lives. It could be something as ordinary as banana or vanilla or as absurd as zebra tongue or tiger penis. All kinds of common and peculiar foods, beverages, drugs, magical potions, and chemical concoctions have been tried as aphrodisiacs to enhance sexual pleasure, energy and drive.

Named after "Aphrodite", the Greek goddess of love, beauty and fertility, "Aphrodisiacs" are those substances that supposedly induce or boost sexual desire in a person. Several herbs, chemicals, plants, drugs, foodstuffs, and other substances are claimed to have positive effects on the human sexual function. However, there is no scientific evidence to back this up. Also, many so-called aphrodisiacs can be potentially toxic and thus, harmful. It is absolutely not advisable to try anything without scrupulously researching it first. It may be difficult to find authentic and accurate information because of a lack of scientific evidence on the efficacy and safety of certain substances in human beings. Non-prescription drugs, vitamins, plants, herbs and supplements that claim to enhance sexual function or alleviate erectile problems are mostly found to be ineffective.

Some of the popular foodstuffs that people have consumed as aphrodisiacs are oysters, bananas, asparagus, carrots, and avocados. People have traditionally endowed them with aphrodisiacal properties probably because of their resemblance to sexual organs. Garlic is another widely accepted stimulant. So are nutmeg and almond. According to stories, application of almond paste awakened passion in a female, just as the scent and flavour of vanilla increased lust. Chocolate is universally appreciated as an aphrodisiac. They are believed to create feelings of ecstasy and unbridled bliss.

Some deadly aphrodisiacs

There are other more prized and deadly aphrodisiacs. For instance, the rhinoceros horns that bears a phallic symbol, is used in many cultures to perk up sexual performance. Zebra tongue and tiger penis are also believed to boost masochism.

Spanish fly

However, the most famous and potent aphrodisiac of all is considered to be the spanish fly, a powder made of ground-up beetle. It makes the blood vessels around a woman's genitals dilate and throb, giving her the false sensation of sexual arousal. If a woman takes it internally, it causes inflammation and irritation of the urinary tract, which could result in permanent damage to her urinary system. Luckily, it is not available anywhere in India. What is available in the name of spanish fly is a fake remedy.

Yohimbine

Yohimbine chloride - a standardised form of Yohimbine - one of the few drugs approved in the US for treatment of impotency, is found to be useful only in some cases of erectile dysfunction. Controlled studies in USA suggest it is not always an effective treatment for impotence, and evidence of so-called increased sex drive is purely anecdotal.

What about viagra?

Very effective drugs like Sildenafil citrate [viagra] and Tadalafil [forzest] are now available in India for the complaint of inability to "sustain" the erection. These drugs also cannot bring about an "artificial" erection in a flaccid penis. They only help to "sustain" the existing normal erection longer. These drugs are useless in those who have difficulty in getting an erection. They absolutely do not enhance libido or induce sexual desire. They help only those who get an erection "on their own" but cannot sustain it long enough to perform satisfactory sexual intercourse. It is not advisable to take these drugs without consulting a qualified specialist. There are risks involved in taking them. People should not be under the false impression that use of aphrodisiacs can set you on fire sexually or can solve all your sexual inadequacies. Although countless research and studies are being done the world over about aphrodisiacs and their effect, nobody has been able to prove successfully that aphrodisiacs stimulate sexual desire in human beings. No scientific confirmations have been made yet about chemicals permeating the hypothalamic region of the brain, the region that controls sexual desire.

Aphrodisiacs - a placebo

Regardless of whether or not aphrodisiacs work on the body, the power of "suggestion", psychologically, is the key. If one believes that using any particular substance - alleged aphrodisiac or not - will help enhance his or her sex life, then it can help bring about sexual desire and arousal at least in the short-term. But, this is more psychogenic and a self-suggestion; the substance merely works as a placebo. Of course, a well-rested body, adequate time, privacy, a conducive environment, confidence in your contraception, a relaxed state of mind, and an attraction for the partner may do just the same thing. As I always say, "Love is the greatest aphrodisiac" that never fails, and that has been proven time and time again. What drugs cannot do.... love can do. "True Love" is the most powerful stimulant and aphrodisiac. If the couple does not feel for each other, they could consume the entire world's oysters, tiger penis or spanish fly but it will all be in vain.

The second most important aphrodisiac is your health. If you are in good health - not suffering from high blood pressure, high cholesterol or other diseases - and you are relaxed, then you can lead a healthy sexual life. Then you don't need an artificial agent to get aroused.

People frequently ask me "Doctor, which is the best diet for sex?" And I often repeat this line, "what is good for your heart is also good for your penis".

Eat the right food and lead a healthy lifestyle, and you will be naturally stimulated when required. Sexual desire or drive cannot be induced with the help of an outside agent; it has to come from within.

Express your sexual needs: Take the lead

Woman, I’m sure would agree that you don’t have it easy… by and large, families still believe in ingraining a measure of ‘restraint’ in their girls. No wonder then a miniscule section of us grow up rebellious, quick to flaunt our sexual quotient. However, most of us who were brought up to fit into goody groove struggle to express our sexuality. Undoubtedly, it’s hard to express yourself when you don’t feel comfortable.

Be creative

Men are naturally more lively and imaginative where sex is concerned, and are drawn to women who are likewise. So, when we are in a relationship, the pressure mounts on us to express our sexuality. This means feeling confident to take the lead in our physical relationship, or initiating sex when we desire it, or knowing exactly what we want from it.

This may sound ‘too bold’ to many. But if you think of it, isn’t sexual energy all about creativity? Expressing sexuality is all about displaying a valuable and hidden part of your personality.

If you feel unable to express your sexuality, or hold yourself back out of fear, you’re effectively putting a ‘spanner in the wheels’—in enjoying an important part of your physical needs.

To add to that, if you do not express yourself and your desires, how will your man know what is going on in your mind before, during and after sex? He is not a mind-reader, after all! Nor as we know do men think like women. Since every woman has a different set of values and expectations from intimacy, he cannot resort to using a manual to know what you want from sex. So, given that a fulfilling sexual relationship is not created by default, it becomes all the more important for you to communicate with your partner.

Express your needs

Of course, the best way to effectively communicate is to know what your physical desires are. So, make an effort to learn more about your sexual desires. What pleases you? What moves make your body feel uncomfortable? Not only will this awareness accentuate you being an active sexual partner, but will help you to be comfortable with your body. Your being at ease with your inner feelings and sensations of your body helps you physically connect with your partner and experience sexual pleasure.

Expressing your sexuality is by no means restricted to just sharing your likes, but also telling him what you don’t like. Most importantly, if a certain movement causes discomfort, don’t force yourself to go on. You will feel ill at ease. And every time your partner uses the same move, you will find your self withdrawing or numbing out during sex. Needless to say, you will stop enjoying sex, and your partner will sense your withdrawal and misunderstand it. He may take the withdrawal as a sign of your using sex as a weapon against him. Also don’t be too eager to please.

Give feedback

Talking is, of course, the most obvious form of communication. But in this respect too, we differ from men. Men don’t take hints, nor do they understand round about sentences. According to experts most men use report speaking style, while women tend to use rapport speaking. Report speaking is delivering information, often point-wise as if reading out from a list. Rapport speaking is about a meaningful conversation about the relationship, even if it includes sharing vague thoughts and ideas. The bottom line is that if you are sharing your needs verbally; tell your man exactly what you want. Eye contact and sounds [obviously expressed during sex] are other ways to communicate. Help him by giving him feedback when he gets it right, or worse, when he doesn’t. If you’re not comfortable talking in the bedroom, choose another location, perhaps during a walk or over a cup of coffee, to share your intimate thoughts.

Respect each other

Let’s face it—for us [read women], sex is never only about physical desire. We need to feel an emotional connection prior to having sex, because we need to feel completely secure with our partners. If you desire a healthy sex life your relationship must be based on mutual acceptance, compassion, patience and respect for each other. If you find it hard to accept any aspect of sex, then your partner should let you take your time to feel ready for it. This may imply going slow with sex and more than a fair measure of mutual respect.

Also, desist from the blame game, or criticism even if you feel dissatisfied. Remember—the idea is to communicate honestly, and work through the obstacles you face, not find fault. So check your relationship for its ‘values’ and work towards practicing these as the best way to inspire your partner to do likewise.

Accept the changes

The only constant in our lives is change. Given this reality, accept that your sexual needs are bound to change over time and at different stages of your life. Much married women who face menopause, for example, will have different concerns than women who are just married or are pregnant. Just as you experience other aspects of your relationship transform with time, so will your desire for sex. It may grow or become less intense or important to your relationship.

Feel free to converse about these changes with your partner. It is normal to face a stalemate in your sexual relationship especially with a hectic daily routine; preoccupation with your career which takes you home completely exhausted every evening to more chores. Infuse energy and liveliness in your sex life with visual sexual stimuli in the form of books, movies or clothes.

Share your fantasies

A new location, timing or lighting in your bedroom may also stimulate your senses. Sharing your sexual fantasies may open up new avenues too. Men love women who are assertive about what they want in bed. It’s important for you to accept that it is healthy for you to express your passion, fantasies and desires. Rest assured your man will like it.

Fact is—the more you explore and innovate, the more you will discover each other. Intimacy is not something that should be done to you; it is a two-way lane. So don’t omit doing your bit to enrich your sex life.